Finding Faith in Forever
by Edgechick816
Summary: Sometimes you have to go there to come back, to find out what you knew all long.


Title: Finding Faith in Forever  
  
Author: Rachel  
  
Email: Edgechick816aol.com  
  
Category: WWE  
  
Disclaimer: Everyone belongs to the WWE and themselves  
  
Distribution: Ask please  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Summary: Sometimes you have to go there to come back, to find out what you knew all long.  
  
Feedback: Is loved and much appreciated :)  
  
I love him, I hate him, I need him, I long for him. He can hurt the worst and bring the most joy. He is my soul mate. I've always known it, since the first time we touched, when he handed me a pen in a meeting and our fingers brushed, that we belong together. He introduced himself right after the meeting; I was drawn to him like a magnet. We were seeing each other daily by the end of the week. We flowed together, he was strong where I was weak, he knew all of my secrets, my hopes and fears, he comforted me, held me when I cried, made me laugh. He was, no, is my everything. And I did the same for him.  
  
Our lovemaking was intense, passionate, sweet, lustful and animalistic all at once. Never a desire left untold, or unfulfilled, yet never satisfied. We were addicted to one another. A true example of bonding souls, in those moments of perfection, where nothing else mattered but me and him, we were one. For nearly two years I lived in absolute bliss.  
  
Then he left me.  
  
His WWE contract was up and he wasn't going to sign a new one. He didn't like it there anymore; he said he needed to find something. One of the companies he worked for in Japan had made him an offer. I remember every word of our argument that night, because it was the most painful of my life. We fought for what seemed like hours. I told him he didn't love me, but that wasn't it, he said, "I love you more than anyone else on earth, but I can't stay in the company, I'm not happy anymore. I can't live a lie, not even for you." And I couldn't ask him to, because he wouldn't have asked it of me. So I let him go.  
  
I'm pretty sure I died that night. Isn't that want happens when your lover leaves? You fall apart, become a shell of your former self. You die. I'd like to say it felt like getting punched in the stomach, but it was so much worse. It felt like someone sliced me in two and took one of my halves away. I was being ripped apart and I couldn't stop it. The pain was numbing to the point where it just hurt all over again. I sank to my knees and cried for hours till I couldn't cry anymore, and the pain was still there. So I died.  
  
That was three years ago, August 2004, right after SummerSlam, and as much as I like to think I've recovered, I haven't. He packed up and left about a week after that, I don't know if he sold his house, but I imagine he did.  
  
I spent the last three years trying to move on and convincing myself that what we had wasn't real, that we weren't meant to be, that are kisses were just kisses and that our moments of perfection were just a lust induced haze. That's how I ended up with Andrew Martin, better known to the wresting world as Test. We started going out about a year and a half ago, he helped me believe the lie I was telling myself, so when he asked me to marry him, I had no reason to say no, until the wedding......  
  
Adam and Amy's wedding that is.  
  
If there were ever two people in the world that belonged together, it's them. You wouldn't think that the red head rocker chick and the bleach blond Canadian would end up together, but they did, and it's perfect. She said to me, "You can only give your soul like this once. If Adam left me and came back when he was 80, he'd still have it." I smiled at that, the thought of never ending love, soul mates. Something that over the years I had convinced myself was a myth, now stood right in front of me. The wedding went off without a hitch, but I forgot one detail about the reception; Him. Drew was running late because he took the morning flight instead of the night flight that I told him to take, missing the ceremony and part of the reception.   
  
I walked into the ballroom and I see him talking to the groom. I'd forgotten who good he looked in a tux. His long blond hair is still there, tied back in a ponytail. It's taken on some light brown streaks now. His goatee is back, just the way I like it, I let a part of me think he did that for me. He looked over, his blue eyes piercing my soul, as though he can see right through me into my very core. I tried to shake off the feeling, my soul didn't belong to him anymore, or so I tell myself.  
  
He walked up to me and asked, "May I have this dance?" I couldn't find it in me to say no. We walk out on the dance floor and I go into his arms, a place I'd once called home. And once upon a time, if he'd held me in his arms for the rest of my life, I would've died happy; I can't say that still isn't that case. I could hear the whispers from my friends and co-workers. I saw Amy smiling brightly, standing next to Dawn Marie Cena, and Dawn's one year-old son, Nick. To the side were Stacy, Lilian and Nora, giggling. All three wearing bridesmaid dresses that matched mine and Dawn's. I knew the others were around somewhere, but the less of an audience I have the better, I already felt like I was standing there naked. All my thoughts are completely lost when he looked into my eyes.  
  
"How have you been?" He asked.  
  
"Good." I answered, I was good, at least I was after I got over the whole 'I die without you' thing. This is imagining I am over it.  
  
"Good." he said, and continued to dance with me, as if the movement spoke more than word. It did.  
  
"I'm engaged to Andrew." I blurted out. He seemed unfazed by it.  
  
"I know." he tells me. I feel stupid, of course he knows, Adam probably told him when he invited him, gave him the heads up.  
  
"It was Amy actually." I looked up at him, amazed that he could still read my thoughts like that.  
  
He just smiled and said, "Don't think for a second that I don't still know you." I contemplated his words as we danced till the end of the song. He disappeared after that, almost like a ghost. Then Andrew showed up. Nobody said a word to him about it, as if the room had been enchanted by us. It would have seemed like it didn't even happen, but it did.  
  
That was three weeks ago. I feel like I've cheated on someone, but I'm not sure who. The dance we shared so simple in it's appearance but so intimate in it's meaning.  
  
I ran into my blond lover at the airport today, I was coming off a flight and he was getting on one, another ten seconds and would have missed each other completely, if that isn't fate, I don't know what is. He was always good at seeing through my bullshit, he was also good at holding the mirror up so that I could see it too, and that's exactly what he did. With seven words he showed me everything I needed to see. Now I know what I have to do.  
  
Before Amy's wedding told her that if she married Adam, all would be right with the world, and the fates would have pieced another puzzle together. I called her up today and asked her if she could say the same thing about me and Andrew, she told me no. I thanked her and hung up the phone, I didn't need to say anymore, we both knew what I was talking about.  
  
This engagement ring is like a weight on my heart, it's a burden and that's not a way to start a new life with someone. I'm waiting for him to come home, where his socks are in the wash with my underwear, both our cereals are in the cabinet, it looks real, but it's not, because I don't belong here.   
  
I look up as the door opens, my fiancé walks in, drops his keys on the table and his bag on the floor. "Hey Babe," he says. I look down at my engagement ring and sigh, no use waiting any longer.  
  
"I can't marry you." I say softly, it doesn't hurt as much to say as thought it would; this is right, this is real, I know what I'm doing. I look up again, shock and outrage color his features.  
  
"What! Why?"  
  
I take a deep breath, "I ran into him." He visibly filches. His name is like a swear word in our relationship, after the months of mourning him, I don't even have to say it anymore; he knows who I'm talking about. Andrew thinks I'm still hung up on him, but that's not it; I belong to him, and he belongs to me. Amy's right, you can only give your soul to one person, and mine's already taken.  
  
"What did he say? Did he ask you to run away with him? Is that why you're leaving me?"  
  
I shake my head, a small smile on my lips at the memory. "Nope, worse. He said he just wants me to be happy."  
  
"And you're not happy with me?" I think about it. Was I ever happy with Andrew? No. Content? Yeah. He was my constant, but it was never passionate or out of control, it was easy. The problem is I need passionate and out of control. I want to lust after someone and have someone lust after me, I want no holds barred emotion, I need it.   
  
"No, I was never happy with you, not the way I should have been."  
  
He growls, "You're making a mistake."  
  
I shake my head again, "No, I'm not. My mistake would have been marrying you." He opens his mouth to speak but I continue. "You need someone who loves you, someone who can't live without out you, you should be her everything. I'm just not that girl."  
  
He looks dejected for a moment, but it passes. "So you don't love me?"  
  
I stand up and take off his ring. "I do, but not in the right way." I put the ring in his hand a walk over to the door, grabbing my keys and purse.  
  
"What about your stuff and the wedding plans?" he almost yells at me.  
  
"I'll take care of it, but right now I have to go." I pull my coat on and put my long dark hair in a ponytail, blonde streaks in my hair where red ones used to be.  
  
"Where are you going?" I shrug at the question.   
  
"New York." I reply.  
  
"New York?! But you hate New York."  
  
"I know, but there's something there that belongs to me."  
  
I once told him that I'd go anywhere in the world with him, except New York, ironic that this is where I go to find him. He always talked about moving, his Dad played for the Rangers, so it made sense. He said it felt like home in a way, if it's home for him, it can be home for me too, or I can talk him into moving. He told me he was coming here when I saw him at the airport. His contract in Japan is up and he's thinking about resigning in the States. I'm not quite sure how I found him, I may have asked someone, but it's really all kinda of blur. I come to the door I know is his, and knock; my heart is pounding out of my chest as I do so.  
  
He opens the door and stands before me. "Lisa Marie Varon." He says it like he was expecting me.  
  
"Chris Irvine." I say in the same tone. "You came back."  
  
"I did." he answers.  
  
"For me?" I have to know the answer to this one, even if it kills me.  
  
"Mostly for you, a little for myself, I didn't like the work anymore, wasn't happy." I want to jump for joy, but I hold off for the moment. "You broke off your engagement." It was a statement not a question. Maybe he noticed the ring wasn't on my finger anymore, or maybe he just knew.  
  
"I did." I knew what was coming next.  
  
"For me?"  
  
"Mostly for you, a little for myself, I didn't love him."  
  
"I know."  
  
"But I love you."   
  
He smiles, "I know."   
  
I smile with him. "Did you ever find that something you were looking for?"  
  
His smile turns into a full fledged grin. "Yeah, actually, turns out it's right in front of me."  
  
I laugh, throwing myself happily into his arms and kissing him with everything I am. This is right, this is real, this is where I belong.  
  
A/N: That was a little different, stretching my legs as an author. Tell me what you think. 


End file.
